JULY 4: It’s summertime, and I’m bald! You know, like… all the way. As in: pretending like I have some choice in the matter. But who needs hair when you’ve got a sexy mamacita like this on your lap? WooHOO! 4th of July! Founding Fathers! Great Nation! Let’s wrap some hot dogs up in bacon, char’em til they’re black, then pause to reflect on what it is exactly that we’re celebrating. Oh right — our independence! Yup, still got that one covered.

JULY 5: Jump on a plane with sexy mamacita and head to New York City, where she’s to begin rehearsals for a new show on… (cue George Benson)

That’s right folks, Autumn is gonna be singing and dancing, and perhaps even doing some “acting” on the Great White Way (racist — I think so too), in a little show you might have heard of… No, it’s not Mel Brooks’ new “Silent Movie The Musical,” and it doesn’t involve puppets or naked children. Nope, in fact it’s one of the most anticipated shows of next season, written and produced by the one and only, Dolly Parton. What a way to make a living…

JULY 9: So she’s off in rehearsals, and it just so happens that I have an audition for another new musical. What’s more, I starred in said musical during its L.A. and Vegas runs, to much ridiculous and ego-boosting fanfare I might add. Well, after some serious rocking and rolling at my good buddy Bernie Telsey’s casting offices on 43rd, I left the room with not quite as much fanfare. Long story short, apparently I’m not “right” for the show anymore. Hmm… If by “right” they mean that I rock just a little too hard to keep up with, then I must say that I agree… I agree. There, I said it.

JULY 10-18: I spend the next week and half sulking and playing house-husband. No, seriously… that’s what I did. We also squeezed in some good eats (check out my food reviews on YELP), and I managed to teach Rage that pooping whilst standing in the middle of Broadway and ANY cross-street, is not wise decision making for a six pound dog.

I also saw more celebrities floating around the city than I ever do here in LaLa Land. Victoria’s Secret Angel, Adriana Lima, kept making googly eyes at me while we were at dinner one night. I’m pretty sure she was miffed because I was with another (more beautiful) woman… but hey, she had her chance back in ‘04 at that speed dating picnic in Lisbon. You snooze, you lose, lady…

Said hi to Paul Schaffer while walking the dog, and watched William Petersen hurry by one afternoon with his entourage — which kinda stumped me. WILLIAM PETERSEN has an entourage? I want an entourage.

JULY 19: I fly back to Burbank, dead tired from the ri-donkulously early morning flight from JFK. Grab some breakfast with the soon-to-be-world-famous, Dave Storrs, and his girlfriend. Then drag my tired butt over to the mall and stand in line for two hours to buy one of the last eight remaining 3G iPhones in the Valley. You know, the same one I scoffed at, rolling my eyes in disbelief at the Lemmings who would actually STAND IN LINE for a phone? Yeah, that one. Geesh… I’m a living, breathing contradiction.

JULY 28: After days of catching up on all the things that need “caught up,” I blog into the wee hours of the morning, hoping to spread goodwill and cheer to my fellow man, (and the other two weirdos who are reading this.) If there are indeed more of you, I ask you to prove me wrong. Leave a comment. Then again, don’t feel TOO obliged. It’s all part of the summer lovin’… and I’m having a blast.

So I’m sitting here watching the Academy Awards and while I’d hoped for and even predicted a few of the upsets that have occurred thus far (Tilda Swinton & Marion Cotillard), I just had to jump online and make a quick comment on this last Oscar for Editing. It went to Christopher Rouse for The Bourne Ultimatum, and while I’m happy for the guy, I’m more than a little disappointed with the Academy. See, the award is supposed to be for BEST editing in a feature film, not the MOST editing.

Keep in mind that outside of “Best Picture,” only folks within a given field of expertise are allowed to vote on the winner in their category — in other words, a bunch of EDITORS voted for Mr. Rouse’s work on Ultimatum. I only bring it up because my biggest issue with the film was its overzealous, MTV-style cutting — editing that actually confused the story. That it’s being honored with an Academy Award has me absolutely stumped. That I care enough to post about it tells me that I should spend more time WRITING movies and less time writing ABOUT them…

But since I’m at it, I might as well mention that this evening’s Oscar telecast has me convinced that Cameron Diaz and Ellen Barkin are in fact, the same person.

So I went to the Tao of Wellness last Thursday and Dr. Mao stuck some needles in my face, and all around the rest of my body. He put me on a one-week detox diet, and gave me some tea along with an herbal face scrub and astrigent. Just over a week later, I’d say the results speak for themselves.

The first two strips above are from Weeks 1 & 2, you’ve already seen those. The third strip was taken the day of my first visit to Dr. Mao, and the final strip is me today. Click the pic for a higher-rez look at stuff.

I went back in this past Wednesday for another acupuncture treatment and the doctor was more than pleased with my progress. I’m confident that this plan of attack is working, and will have things cleared up in no time. What’s more, I FEEL pretty darn good. Weird. I’d always heard that vegetables were good for you, but I guess ’til I actually tried them, I just assumed it was some sort’ve urban myth.

Yes, I’m totally lame. Not in the “Tiny Tim” sense of the word, but in the “I promised I’d follow up on the Zit Situation after seven days, and never got around to it” meaning of the term.

You see, I’ve been pretty busy and have had better things to do with my time than take pictures of my pizza-pie face, but there’s also the not-so-small issue of shaving. You see, in order to provide you with the wonderfully graphic photos in my last post, I had shaved myself smooth. This was to be part of my regime — but after one bloody nightmarish day of repeating this process, not only was I in a LOT of pain, but the large open wounds on my face started to get infected. AWESOME!

All that to say, I haven’t shaved (with a razor) since then. I’ve kept the stubble relatively short with clippers, but I’m not letting a blade go anywhere near this train-wreck ’til I get a handle on things.

So why post today? Well for one, better late than never. And secondly, I’ve set up an appointment next week at the Tao of Wellness, and wanted to make sure that everyone got a good look at where things are at AFTER the hydrocortisone treatment, but BEFORE the acupuncture/herbal therapy. I’m quite sure I won’t get around to it next week, and since I had the night to myself it just made good sense. Like Vietnam, or Beanie Babies.

(Read the Rest…)

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

(Read the Rest…)