JULY 4: It’s summertime, and I’m bald! You know, like… all the way. As in: pretending like I have some choice in the matter. But who needs hair when you’ve got a sexy mamacita like this on your lap? WooHOO! 4th of July! Founding Fathers! Great Nation! Let’s wrap some hot dogs up in bacon, char’em til they’re black, then pause to reflect on what it is exactly that we’re celebrating. Oh right — our independence! Yup, still got that one covered.

JULY 5: Jump on a plane with sexy mamacita and head to New York City, where she’s to begin rehearsals for a new show on… (cue George Benson)

That’s right folks, Autumn is gonna be singing and dancing, and perhaps even doing some “acting” on the Great White Way (racist — I think so too), in a little show you might have heard of… No, it’s not Mel Brooks’ new “Silent Movie The Musical,” and it doesn’t involve puppets or naked children. Nope, in fact it’s one of the most anticipated shows of next season, written and produced by the one and only, Dolly Parton. What a way to make a living…

JULY 9: So she’s off in rehearsals, and it just so happens that I have an audition for another new musical. What’s more, I starred in said musical during its L.A. and Vegas runs, to much ridiculous and ego-boosting fanfare I might add. Well, after some serious rocking and rolling at my good buddy Bernie Telsey’s casting offices on 43rd, I left the room with not quite as much fanfare. Long story short, apparently I’m not “right” for the show anymore. Hmm… If by “right” they mean that I rock just a little too hard to keep up with, then I must say that I agree… I agree. There, I said it.

JULY 10-18: I spend the next week and half sulking and playing house-husband. No, seriously… that’s what I did. We also squeezed in some good eats (check out my food reviews on YELP), and I managed to teach Rage that pooping whilst standing in the middle of Broadway and ANY cross-street, is not wise decision making for a six pound dog.

I also saw more celebrities floating around the city than I ever do here in LaLa Land. Victoria’s Secret Angel, Adriana Lima, kept making googly eyes at me while we were at dinner one night. I’m pretty sure she was miffed because I was with another (more beautiful) woman… but hey, she had her chance back in ‘04 at that speed dating picnic in Lisbon. You snooze, you lose, lady…

Said hi to Paul Schaffer while walking the dog, and watched William Petersen hurry by one afternoon with his entourage — which kinda stumped me. WILLIAM PETERSEN has an entourage? I want an entourage.

JULY 19: I fly back to Burbank, dead tired from the ri-donkulously early morning flight from JFK. Grab some breakfast with the soon-to-be-world-famous, Dave Storrs, and his girlfriend. Then drag my tired butt over to the mall and stand in line for two hours to buy one of the last eight remaining 3G iPhones in the Valley. You know, the same one I scoffed at, rolling my eyes in disbelief at the Lemmings who would actually STAND IN LINE for a phone? Yeah, that one. Geesh… I’m a living, breathing contradiction.

JULY 28: After days of catching up on all the things that need “caught up,” I blog into the wee hours of the morning, hoping to spread goodwill and cheer to my fellow man, (and the other two weirdos who are reading this.) If there are indeed more of you, I ask you to prove me wrong. Leave a comment. Then again, don’t feel TOO obliged. It’s all part of the summer lovin’… and I’m having a blast.

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I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I searched for my own name on YouTube today — you know, to see if there was any incriminating footage of Yours Truly floating around the Net. Thankfully, I didn’t find anything questionable, but DID trip across this little clip. Glad to know that SOMEONE managed to get their hands on a “Hoodwinked” soundtrack, even if I’ve never seen a red cent on that end. Run Sonic, RUN!!!

It hit the newswire today that Jack Nicholson filmed an ad supporting Democratic hopeful, Hillary Clinton. The spot is “Buzzing Now” on Yahoo’s front page, showed up on Perez Hilton’s blog, and wound up front and center at the Huffington Post. All this in less than the 18 hours since it was first posted on YouTube by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow…

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I only bring it up here because regardless of your political leanings, you have to admit that the production itself is VERY well done. Whoever put it all together is, like… some kind of creative genius or something.

So I’m sitting here watching the Academy Awards and while I’d hoped for and even predicted a few of the upsets that have occurred thus far (Tilda Swinton & Marion Cotillard), I just had to jump online and make a quick comment on this last Oscar for Editing. It went to Christopher Rouse for The Bourne Ultimatum, and while I’m happy for the guy, I’m more than a little disappointed with the Academy. See, the award is supposed to be for BEST editing in a feature film, not the MOST editing.

Keep in mind that outside of “Best Picture,” only folks within a given field of expertise are allowed to vote on the winner in their category — in other words, a bunch of EDITORS voted for Mr. Rouse’s work on Ultimatum. I only bring it up because my biggest issue with the film was its overzealous, MTV-style cutting — editing that actually confused the story. That it’s being honored with an Academy Award has me absolutely stumped. That I care enough to post about it tells me that I should spend more time WRITING movies and less time writing ABOUT them…

But since I’m at it, I might as well mention that this evening’s Oscar telecast has me convinced that Cameron Diaz and Ellen Barkin are in fact, the same person.

So there’s this guy I know — not very well actually, he’s really more of an acquaintence — but I’ve run into him at a few events here and there, and managed somehow to wind up on his mailing list. Now if I had my life to live over, I’d probably do everything in my power to avoid ending up on ANYONE’s list, and while my life would surely be less cluttered, I would miss out on interesting theories like the one presented today in his weekly message to masses.

What follows is an idea as to what is truly at stake as the WGA continues to strike, and while the real truth may be forever obscured by points-of-view and political flag-waving, it’s (at the very least) a good enough reason to start thinking for YOURSELF about how and why things get done in this ole world. Again, this was delivered via email so I can’t simply provide a link. Therefore I’ve reproduced the (relatively short) article in its entirety, and give full credit to Mark Edward Lewis as its author.

Enjoy…?

What they don’t want to tell you.

About WHY they don’t want to pay the writers.

I was recently shooting for the hit show “Pinks” on Speed Channel last month. One of the great things about cable shows is that the Executive Producers like to come hang out and give their two-bits. Fortunately, this EP is a wonderful human being and was a great contribution to the production days.

Not surprisingly, over lunch we got into the WGA strike and what it means and why it’s happening. He said some things that made the hair stand up on my head (and I’m bald). It was hard to believe, but the more people I asked about it, the more it made sense. After speaking with some industry insiders and corporate Internet folks, what I’m about to tell you may just seem like a conspiracy theory, but it has some compelling truth ringiness to it. Try it on and see what you think. As always I’m open to your feedback and input, because believe me, I want to believe something else.

Silly Songs With Michael

Before I launch into talking about why the studios et al are not paying the writer’s their fair share, I want to let you in on a little conversation that a good friend of mine who is an executive at a major television studio (we’ll call him Tom) had with Michael Eisner over lunch in November. Just a little dialogue for those of you who haven’t seen dialogue on a computer screen in a few months due to the strike.

Imagine, Mr. Eisner and Tom casually talking at Studio Cafe…

Tom: “So, Michael, what’s all this with the writers?”
ME: “Oh! Those writer’s are insane. The only people who are making money on the Internet are Apple and Google.”
Tom: “Well, if that’s so, why not just give the stupid writers 10% of nothing, Michael?”
—end of conversation.

Take this as a precursor to what I’m about to tell you. (Read the Rest…)