I auditioned for a McDonald’s spot today, and couldn’t help but feel a little torn about the whole thing. It all started back when I was a little kid listening to interviews with celebrities like Weird Al Yankovic and Mean Joe Green (who incidentally, are touring together under the moniker “Weird Al Green”) where they talked about making a conscious decision not to hawk alcohol or tobacco products. It wasn’t that they didn’t drink or smoke, they just didn’t want to sell that image to the impressionable youth of America. And for some reason, I thought that was commendable.
Now I could care less about America’s youth, but I always held on to the sage-like wisdom of Mean Joe and Weird Al, and when I got my first commercial agent so many moons ago, I made it very clear that I did NOT want to go out for alcohol or tobacco spots. If you know anything about commercial agentry, you know that booze is where the big money’s at, so this ridiculous stance of mine has never really gone over well with anyone who’s ever been duped into representing me. Still, I assert that a man’s gotta have his convictions, even if they’re borne in the impressionable mind of an American youth. And here’s where I start feeling torn…
You see, while I probably consumed enough McNuggets in my childhood to feed a small third-world country for at least a week, I gave up on the Golden Arches about two years ago. Yes the food tastes pretty good, but it DOES make you feel like poo, and it IS mass produced by a Mega-Corporation whose bottom line is, well… the Bottom Line. Now I’m no drunk, but I’m pretty sure I consumed more alcohol than McFood last year (and am probably healthier for it), so why in the world am I wrinkling my nose at the former, and peddling some “NEW” Iced Coffee for the latter?
And then, of course, there’s the artistic side of the equation. Beer commercials are funny, and quite often feature memorable performances by some of the most talented “unknown” comedians in the business — many of whom I count as personal friends. McDonald’s, on the other hand, is in the midst of one of the worst ad campaigns in recent memory. People of color and “hip-hop” jingles do not make fast food cool. I mean, let’s be honest, how can ANYONE be cool ordering a McGriddles? (And yes, “McGriddles” is both plural AND singular, kids. Marketing geniuses, these guys.)
So I show up this afternoon, and after waiting a good forty-five minutes, am finally ushered into the audition room. Per the copy, I mime like I’m turning up a thermostat. My “girlfriend” then steps in and turns it back down. Not to be outdone, I turn it back up again! This is groundbreaking stuff here, and we are FEELING it. At this point she delivers the spot’s one line…
“I like it cold.”
Get it? I was turning the heat UP, but she likes it COLD. That was my big cue to hand her an empty cup which represented McDonald’s cool “NEW” iced coffee. And as she stood there sucking air through a community straw, eyes sparkling with pleasure and the subtext that I was about to get me some, I thought of all the impressionable youth of America, and wondered what ever happened to Mean Joe Green.
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